Let's agree...to listen!

These are disagreeable times. It’s as if every corner I turn brings me face-to-face with another argument. And kind of like driving by a police car with the blue lights flashing and someone pulled over, I can’t help looking. I may lean more to one side of the argument than the other, but really I’m just thankful I can drive on by. Thankful that the flashing blue lights are for someone else. Not my monkeys, not my circus. 

Except for those times when the argument is over something about which I feel strongly. Then i cave, throwing my (clearly) well-informed opinion into the fray. On an endorphin-induced high, I sort of hope that someone will disagree with me. That way I can show just how morally- or intellectually-superior I am. I can sound off in defense of [what I believe to be] the truth. Before long I realize that others agree with me, which just emboldens me to argue on.  From behind my screen. With people I’ve never met. 

Most of the passionate arguments I witness these days happen in the digital jungle also known as social media. I’m not anti-social media, as clearly I have used it to put these words in front of you. But the rise of virtual communication has caused many of us to lose the art of civil discourse. I log on to my news feed. There I see a person who says something with which I don’t agree. Thinking that person must be delusional, or stupid, or liberal, or an Alabama fan, I click the “unfollow” button. They never know that I have chosen to eliminate their voice from what I hear. And shouldn't I be able to do that? After all, who has to listen to that garbage? Then I scroll down and click “Like” on those statuses that support my view of things. Then I do more unfollowing, then more liking, until I create for myself a cloud-hosted echo chamber. No dissenting voices allowed! Which means I stop listening to anyone who doesn’t already agree with me. Which means I begin to close my mind to new ideas. Which, in turn, causes me to develop a more judgmental spirit toward those who hold opposing views. Which causes me to start seeing people based on the things on which we don't agree, giving them labels and putting them into categories. Which also means I begin to lose sight of the fact that I might be wrong. Because I am right. Right? After all, I have come to believe that being right matters more than the other guy. 

So maybe I am writing my own internet autobiography, but I'm guessing at least some of you who haven’t clicked away share the same story. (Okay…in truth I know you share this story because I have seen your posts). And it’s an easy one to live out. But it is also part of the reason we cannot get along. We won’t listen to those with whom we disagree. We can’t hear their views. Worse, we cannot hear their voices. 

“America’s Got Talent” is easily one of my family’s favorite shows. If you’ve watched it (or any of the similar shows on TV), you know the format. People perform. Judges judge. Viewers vote. Winners, losers, you know how this works. But I have noticed something [I think] relevant just this season. Sometimes the judges do not agree with each other about someone’s performance. But if a judge dares voice disapproval or criticism, the audience boos. Loudly. Drowning out the judge’s voice. I noticed that even the other judges would join in on this, telling the other judges that they didn't know what they were talking about. It kind of manifests our social-media-oriented way of thinking: you are allowed to think whatever you want, so long as you keep it within the parameters of my own opinion. Do that and we’re good. But dare to disagree with me and I will shut you down. I will boo so loudly that it drowns out your voice. Your experience. Your life. Your intellect. Your pain. Your reasoning. Your opinion. It doesn't matter how you came to your conclusion. It's different than mine [read challenging to mine] so I don't want to hear it. Which makes me wonder why we won’t listen. 

I wonder if we don’t listen because we are afraid. That may sound strange, but it's about all I can come up with. Perhaps we are afraid that our arguments won’t hold up under the scrutiny of someone else. Perhaps we are afraid that we might have to admit we were on the wrong side of something. Perhaps we are afraid that our “friends” will not stay with us if they hear we’ve departed from their talking points. Perhaps the is some other fear I haven’t been able to identify. 

But it is evident - maybe I should say obvious - that our current communication strategies are not working. We have worked so hard to shut out the dissenting voices that we have come to see those people as our enemies. We draw up into battle lines - us versus them. But there is one thing that could radically shift all this. One thing that, if we would all commit to doing it, could bring peace back to our debates and arguments. 

Listen. 

Maybe if we’d try it like this. Find someone who holds a differing position than we do, and ask them why they think, or feel, or believe the way they do. Then we simply shut up and listen. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belittle them. Don’t tell them their view is stupid and they should just abandon it and agree with us. 

Listen. 

Just as each of us has a lifetime of experience that has led us to where we are, so do they. By taking the time to listen, we validate their humanity, their mind, and their worth. It might help to remember that each of us - wherever we may stand on any given issue - is made in the image of God. Doesn't that make someone worth hearing? 

No, they may not change our minds. They may not even say something that is terribly compelling. But taking the time to listen says, “You are actually cared for.” It says to the other person, “You - as a human being, with every experience that has shaped and molded you - have worth and value.” 

This is not necessarily an exercise in agreement. We aren’t always going to 1) understand what someone tells us, or 2) adopt their view. But we will hear them, we will think, we will be challenged, and - at the very least - we will know why they think as they do. 

It’s fair that I tell you that we may well leave these conversations confused. We may be less sure of what the real issues are than before we started. But we are better for having listened. 

And we may discover that the person to whom we are listening is wrong. They may have drawn their conclusions on misinformation. They may be judgmental. Or biased. Or ignorant. Or angry. Or some combination of all these. Maybe, on some other day, we can discuss how to respond to someone who is wrong. (Note: not someone with whom we disagree, but someone who is actually wrong) 

Some of you reading this are already wondering, “Why should we listen to a bunch of whiny crybabies?” Well, aside from the issues of labeling and name-calling (another day), we might do well to be reminded of what Jesus and other inspired writers had to say. Perhaps these texts speak for themselves. 

Concerning those we believe are our enemies: 
“Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate. Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven.” ~Luke 6.35-37 

When we think our thinking makes us superior to others: 

“Then Jesus told this story to some who had great confidence in their own righteousness and scorned everyone else: “Two men went to the Temple to pray. One was a Pharisee, and the other was a despised tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed this prayer: ‘I thank you, God, that I am not like other people—cheaters, sinners, adulterers. I’m certainly not like that tax collector! I fast twice a week, and I give you a tenth of my income.’ But the tax collector stood at a distance and dared not even lift his eyes to heaven as he prayed. Instead, he beat his chest in sorrow, saying, ‘O God, be merciful to me, for I am a sinner.’ I tell you, this sinner, not the Pharisee, returned home justified before God. For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” ~Luke 18.9-14

and

“Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.” ~Romans 12.3

Concerning the attitude of Christians to others:

“Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose. Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.” ~Philippians 2.1-5

Included among Paul’s instructions to believers living in trying times under heathen governments: 

“They must not slander anyone and must avoid quarreling. Instead, they should be gentle and show true humility to everyone.” ~Titus 3.2

What do these Bible texts have in common? Are they at least relevant to the present time. Here’s what I see (while not wishing to rip any of these words completely from their contexts): 

• Our enemies - if we have any real enemies - are to be loved and treated with compassion, not condemnation.

• Whoever we are, we cannot think that we are more important than anyone else. In fact, the way to be more like Christ is to actually treat others (yes, even those with whom we disagree) as more important than ourselves.

• If we are seeking to be rewarded by treating people the way we are supposed to treat them, that may have to wait.

• Humble pie doesn’t usually taste scrumptious, but it is sure better for us than other things we could eat. 

• As believers, we have a divine obligation to take a genuine interest in others.

• It is hard to be humble and argue with people. To argue means that I think my way of thinking is superior to yours. By my own standard of measure it may be. But do you see how easily we go from “my way of thinking is better” to “I am better?” That’s counterproductive to humility. 

And if none of that is very convincing, how about these two simple (gut-punching) gems:

“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”  ~James 1.19

“Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent.” ~Proverbs 17.28

Translation: Hush, and take time to listen to the other person. Don’t get mad when what they say doesn't agree with our thinking. And opening our mouths to say what may be bypassing our filters might well make us look more foolish than listening. 

Navigating these troubled days is not easy. But our inability (or unwillingness) to listen to someone with whom we disagree is only making it worse. Let’s stop assuming we're always right. Let’s close our argumentative mouths and listen. Let’s engage without hostility. Let’s have dialogue that moves us toward understanding each other. 

Oh, and one last thing…this works best when we are face-to-face with another human. Let’s get out from behind our televisions, our tablets, our phones, and our computers. Let’s sit down at the table with real people. 

And listen. 

We just might learn something.